Wednesday, 07 June, 1989
Did You Ever Wonder...
Some years ago, a friend and I exchanged a series of "Did you ever wonder" type questions and answers over Compuserve mail. This collection contains the best examples from that exchange.
If all roads lead to Rome, where do the streets go?
Where in the world do those socks you put in the washer and never come out go?
Why does the bread always fall butter side down?
Just who are those people are who show up in the photo sections of new wallets?
Where do they put the extra hour they take away in the spring?
Why do restaurants even bother to put ketchup on the table if it's gonna be in bottles?
If what goes up must come down, what happens to the things that go down?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, how come the rabbit doesn't have 'em?
Why, when faced with a choice of 2 doors upon entering a building, will you always pick the locked one first?
How can you be overdrawn and still have checks?
Why is one wheel on a shopping cart always wanting to go opposite the direction you wanna go?
Why do hot dogs come in 10's and buns in 8's?
Why do wintergreen lifesavers spark when you bite into them?
Why are physics professors always bald?
Why do birds wait until after you've washed your car before they drop on it?
Where do waitresses learn the skill of waiting to the precise moment your mouth is full before asking "Is everything OK?"
Why does the telephone wait until you're in the bathroom before it rings?
Why do women hold their mouths open when they're feeding a baby?
Why is it that you throw away something the day before you need it?
If all roads lead to Rome, where do the streets go?
The saying "All roads lead to Rome" was coined (coins are an entirely different subject) during the time when the Roman Empire was considered the center of civilization (don't ask me how crucifixions, ritual slaughter, gladiator games, and mass orgies could be considered "civilized") and covered the entire expanse of the known world (silly Romans had never heard of China or America). Back then, road-building was quite expensive and the only reason to build a road was for a way to get to or from the center of the world (Rome). There was a little-known saying in Rome that went something like "All streets lead to the slaughter," probably made up by the Christians who were led down the streets towards the coliseum. Evidently, roads were the things that took you to the City and streets were confined to the cities (they hadn't invented suburbs yet). So, to get to Rome from Mesopotamia, you had to travel the Mesopotamian streets to the main road and head out to Rome. There was quite a problem at times because to get to Rome you had to travel through many other cities (they hadn't invented highway bypasses yet either). So you alternated between traveling on roads and streets. Needless to say, all this switching from road to street & back got quite nerve-racking; a situation which eventually led to the phrase "All streets and roads lead to insanity." The lack of highway bypasses was a major contributing factor to the fall of the Roman Empire.
Where in the world do those socks you put in the washer and never come out go?
(There have been theories that they end up in the "HOZONE")
You put socks in the washing machine? I thought you were supposed to wear 'em once & throw 'em out. Actually, what happens is this: First you inadvertently place a stray sock in the washer (or dryer). The sock, after floating (or tumbling) around for a while, wrongly assumes (socks really aren't very bright) that its mate has departed this world for that Great Foot in the Sky. Having nothing left to live for, it expires with a broken heart (torn heel?). Then, when the mate to the not-very-bright-and-now-departed-sock is thrown into the washer (or dryer), it makes the same assumption (which, due to blind luck & the first sock's stupidity, is correct) and expires also. It really is less complicated to just throw the darn things out after wearing them once.
Why does the bread always fall butter side down?
There is a little known fact about butter and floor wax. They are both magnetic materials. So when you drop buttered bread in the kitchen it's a simple law of magnetic attraction. When you drop it anywhere else it's like tossing a coin; you have a 50/50 chance.
Just who are those people are who show up in the photo sections of new wallets?
The people who show up in the photo sections of new wallets are just ordinary people who have had their purses & wallets ripped off. Apparently there's quite a market for stolen wallet-sized photos. When ya think about it, they can't be models who have posed for the pictures. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be in some strange guy's wallet (altho the idea of being in certain women's purses has appeared attractive at times). What I can't figure out is how the thieves know which pockets to pick so that they'll always get good pictures of nice-looking people.
Where do they put the extra hour they take away in the spring?
Haven't you ever heard of a Time Certificate of Deposit (TCD)? They're available at most banks. Ya see, since a year is a few minutes longer than 365 days, they have to invest an hour in order to accrue the time necessary to make up the extra few minutes of the year. The principal is returned in the fall, and the interest is held & paid at the end of the year. This discussion wouldn't be complete, of course, without bringing up the extra day every leap year. Back in 1582 Pope Gregory XIII decided to do something about the time deficit (the solar year and the calendar year were not in harmony). So, he decreed a new calendar (for some reason called the Gregorian Calendar) and 15 days of the previous (Julian -- named after the incredible time tyrant, Julias Ceaser) calendar were lopped off and put into a TCD so they could accrue and one could be withdrawn every 4 years. The only problem now is, with interest rates so high, time is accruing at an alarmingly fast rate which causes it to fly when you're having fun.
Why do restaurants even bother to put ketchup on the table if it's gonna be in bottles?
A little known fact about ketchup is that it is a living thing. Captured by elves (renegades from the Keebler camp), it is sedated and placed in bottles for human consumption. Ketchupettes are naturally slow movers so they are easy to catch. They do, however, awaken in the bottle. Escape is not easy, as witnessed by the ketchupettes that get stuck on the mouth of the bottle slowly turning black as the life force drains from their little bodies. As a species they are very protective of their own, as you can surely see when trying to extract them from the bottle. They cling tightly together, holding themselves in through shaking, banging of the bottle, cursing....until after 10 minutes of furious fighting some (usually the ones in the middle) lose their grip and go tumbling down to meet their fate on our steaming plate of french fries. As in all things, only the strongest survive...those little ketchupettes who are sturdy enough to withstand the trials they are subjected to, and line the bottle waiting till the day you, or the restaurant, have given up hope of ever getting another drop from the bottle and throw it away (hopefully for them, with the top off). So, you see, if ketchup wasn't in the bottle, the little ketchupettes would slowly run away.
If what goes up must come down, what happens to the things that go down?
You do know, of course, that not all things that go up must come down. For example, taxes & the price of living are two things that will (unfortunately) never come down. And dreams that go up in smoke are lost forever; except possibly to be born again in someone else or at some other time. But, by and large, it is true that what goes up must come down. The opposite is not necessarily true though, although people who go down must sooner or later come up for air. If all things that went down came back up, then we'd have what's known as perpetual motion -- something that's been proved impossible time and again by bald-headed physics profs trying to explain basic natural laws to a bunch of pimply-faced college freshmen who are more interested in dynamic relations than in rotational dynamics.
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, how come the rabbit doesn't have 'em?
Rabbits' feet ARE lucky. You see, the feet are from the rabbits who got away (have YOU ever had 3-footed rabbit stew?). There are a great deal of 3-legged rabbits running around which you don't see because they are held in high position in the rabbit community and enshrined in rabbit castles and monasteries as inspiration for the rest of the rabbit population. You see, rabbits are the originators of PMA (Positive Mental Attitude); they see the glass as half-full.
Why, when faced with a choice of 2 doors upon entering a building, will you always pick the locked one first?
Faced with 2 doors, it's inevitable that you'll pick thelocked one first. If you didn't, you'd automatically assume that they're both unlocked -- a contradiction that would drive you insane.
How can you be overdrawn and still have checks?
If you're overdrawn & still have checks, then either the bank made a mistake or you ordered too many checks.
Why is one wheel on a shopping cart always wanting to go opposite the direction you wanna go?
The wheels on the shopping cart are alternately taking you toward the things you should have or taking you away from the things you shouldn't get. Neither of which, of course, is what you want.
Why do hot dogs come in 10's and buns in 8's?
Hot dogs come in 10's so you can drop a couple or burn 'em and still have enough buns for all that's left.
Why do wintergreen lifesavers spark when you bite into them?
You obviously have never been to a Lifesaver's factory. Wintergreen lifesavers have much the same quality as green m&m's, with a few major differences. First, green m&m's (GM's) are actually relatively mild in terms of their "horniness quotient" (HQ). The ingredient in GM's that gives it its HQ is the green dye used on the outer coating. Because it's so mild, you really hafta force-feed your victim in order to get any kind of significant reaction from GM's. Wintergreen lifesavers (WL's), on the other hand are mixed with a special ingredient that's made with energies captured from long-distance romances. The lifesavers company hires people to find these long-distance romances and tap into the strong energies from their steamy telephone conversations (they've gotta be strong to travel halfway across the country). Obviously, the HQ of these little gems is nothing short of astounding, as witnessed by the sparks that fly whenever you bite into one. The sparks are caused by the sudden release of the stored energies in the candy. All this brings us to the $69 question, "Why would anybody eat GM's instead of WL's?" Actually, the optimum solution is to feed your victim a steady diet of GM's (a few a day), just to keep him/her on the edge. Then, when you want a reaction RIGHT NOW, slip 'em a WL and get ready! Of course, a steady diet of GM's may lead to dependence; causing chronic lateness, lack of sleep, and a tendency towards self-abuse when alone (gotta take care of that HQ somehow). WL's are also good for quickies. Just chomp on a handful of 'em all at once and watch the sparks fly! (Hint: feed some to your partner too) A steady diet of WL's is NOT recommended, unless you have a desire to become the next Linda Lovelace or John Holmes.
Why are physics professors always bald?
You'd probably tear your hair out too if you were messing with experimental nuclear reactors and cosmic death rays, and playing around in a lab full of people who's idea of a good time is seeing how fast Ronnie the Rodent fries under a 1 megawatt laser and extrapolating from that information just how fast you could wipe out a fair-sized city with a weapon that's 100 times as powerful.
Why do birds wait until after you've washed your car before they drop on it?
Birds have a very special feeling about their droppings. With the exception of a very few artists, they feel that humans, as a species, have very little taste for real art. They feel this most strongly about statues and automobiles. They think that we are lacking in imagination with our use of color, texture and pattern. When you wash your car, the boring, shiny surface is almost too much for them to bear. So next time you see a bird dropping on your newly washed car, rather than cursing the birds, remember that one lone flier took pity on your lack of artistic expression and decided to add a bit of color and culture to your otherwise dull existence.
Where do waitresses learn the skill of waiting to the precise moment your mouth is full before asking "Is everything OK?"
Waitresses are an amazing (and annoying) breed. Evidently they practice with their roommates (waitresses always have at least one roommate who is also a waitress), purposely trying to annoy each other by asking some amazingly inane question just when the other is shoveling that last bite-and-a-half of cheesecake (or broken cookie) into her mouth. It doesn't take very long to pick up people's patterns & determine the precise moment to say "Is everything OK?" What really bothers me about this behavior is that they know everything is OK because you're sitting there eating rather than jumping up and down screaming "Yo! BITCH!" across the restaurant. But she'll stand there patiently, watching you try to gulp that too-large bite of tuna salad and hoping you'll choke on it so she can perform the Heimlich maneuver (which they also practice with their roommates after gagging each other with eating utensils) & maybe get a little larger tip for her trouble.
Why does the telephone wait until you're in the bathroom before it rings?
For many people, of course, the time they spend in the bathroom is the only time they're not on the phone, so this is the only opportunity the phone has to ring. But phones are a sub-species of the same family as waitresses -- they ENJOY annoying people. And there's nothing more annoying than being interrupted when you're having a stinking good time on the pot.
Why do women hold their mouths open when they're feeding a baby?
This is behavior that I haven't personally witnessed, but I think (with my small knowledge of the species "mother") I can give an (almost) rational answer. When breast feeding, women are sometimes found (in private) to repeat the facial expressions (if not the sounds) that occured when they were in the process of making the baby in the first place. Watching this can be a highly erotic experience. When spoon- feeding a baby, they alternate between trying to get the baby to imitate their actions (open mouth, chomp on spoon, make silly face) and trying to imitate the baby's actions (drool, spit out food, scream, knock food & utensils flying). I'm lead to believe that this is genetic, rather than learned, behavior.
Why is it that you throw away something the day before you need it?
Actually, there's a relatively (in)sane explanation to this phenomenon. Ya see, as we go through life, we collect things; some of which get pulled into our daily routines, others of which fall out of our day-to-day thought and are dropped by the wayside or carried along as excess baggage. Unknown to you (conciously anyway), the things that you carry along as excess baggage are not dropped precisely because, deep down, you KNOW they'll be useful at some time in the future. Then, the day before you become conciously aware that you're gonna need it, your subconcious mind starts bringing glimpses of it to the surface. Your concious mind will many times erroneously interpret these signals as a message to start cleaning house and the first thing that goes is that one particular item that yer absolutely gonna hafta have tomorrow. The real kicker here is properly interpreting the signals of the subconcious....many times it IS telling you to throw something out. If you misinterpret those signals, you end up with truly useless excess baggage. This, of course, is something that moving companies count on.